In case you’re not following, a ‘bro’ is essentially someone who uses Brut cologne, wears visors indoors, reads Jesus Is My CEO, and somehow gets all the ladies, while Stalin… do I really have to explain who Stalin was?

So Broseph Stalin will have to be laid to rest. Oh well, at least I still have my character Uncle Rasputin.

The Rock as The Scorpion King
The Rock, a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson, is probably the most successful example of an athlete transitioning into film. It seems his stardom has advanced to the point where many viewers don’t know he got his start as a pro-wrestler whose whole schtick revolved around raising an eyebrow and yelling “Do you smell…” His first big break was The Mummy Returns, where he played the ludicrous villain The Scorpion King. Somehow, this character was so successful that it spawned a spinoff featuring The Scorpion King’s life before he’s killed in The Mummy 2. Weirdly, this then led to a prequel, which is technically the prequel to a prequel. The Scorpion King, to be fair, was a horrible, horrible film, but it did have one of my favorite punchlines. A soothsayer tells The Rock something like “I prophesize that your kingdom will fall,” to which The Rock replies “I prophesize you’re dead!” before impaling him with a spear.

Hulk Hogan in Three Ninjas High School at Mega Mountain
Maybe some of my readers are too young to know that Hulk Hogan was once something more than a reality TV star. Once upon a time, he was an extremely popular pro-wrestler, so popular in fact that he inspired “Hulkamania,” which sounds like the name of an eating disorder. He also made oodles of kids movies in the 90s, including Three Ninjas: High School at Mega Mountain, a movie I barely remember but have a hankering to Netflix soon, especially if the clips below are an indication for how ridiculous the entire film is.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar In The Game of Death
Anyone with a brain knows that former basketball star Kareem Abdul Jabbar is about as cool as it gets. If his distinguished sports career wasn’t enough, throw in how he’s now a writer for the Huffington Post and has already made waves by writing up a very scathing review of the HBO hit Girls. I happen to be a fan of Girls but even his dismissal of one of my favorite shows doesn’t diminish him at all in my eyes, and for one big reason: the dude once fought Bruce Lee! This occured in The Game of Death, essentially Bruce Lee’s final film (avoid the sequel that was poorly schlocked together after Bruce Lee’s death). The premise of the film is that Bruce Lee and his cohorts have to ascend a large tower, encountering new foes on every level. Whose waiting on the last level? Kareem!

What are your favorite examples of athletes becoming action stars?

That being said, there’s something unmistakeably enjoyable about the non-canonical story. By non-canonical, I mean stories that take place apart from the ongoing narrative. Sometimes these are meant to fill in the gaps from stories taking place years ago, and other times they are simply thought experiments, existing in part to prove a point. With such stories, all the reader generally needs to know is the basic backstories of the characters–i.e., that Bruce Wayne saw his parents killed and became Batman. You don’t need to know that Bruce was trained by Wildcat or that he had a long lost brother who joined a cult.

Some of the very best superhero graphic novels out there are non-canonical. Here are just a few of my faves.

All Star Superman Over the span of just 12 issues, Grant Morrison reimagines both the life and “death” of Superman. Along the way, many characters make appearances, such as Lex Luthor, Bizarro, Lois Lane, and a cross-dressing Jimmy Olsen. One big reason to check out All Star Superman is the fantastic penciling by Frank Quitely.

The Dark Knight Returns This is one of the most popular graphic novels of all time, and for good reason. It’s the story that restored the darkness and grit to the Batman franchise, thereby erasing the memory of Silver-Age silliness like the Bat-Mite. Readers are also bound to notice the similarities between The Dark Knight Returns and Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy.

Superman: Red Son Superman Red Son is a graphic novel that answers a what if question that surprisingly few people have asked, and that is, what if young Kal-el’s rocket didn’t crashland in America’s heartland, where he could be raised by Ma and Pa Kent, but instead crashed in Russia, where he could be indoctrinated by Lenin? Red Son illuminates just how important Superman’s upbringing was in the original series, but at the same time shows the reader that, even without the guidance of Ma and Pa, Superman has it in him to be a hero.

Marvels For Marvels, writer Kurt Busiek employs a technique he would use many times throughout his popular series Astro City: he shows us superheroes as seen from a civilian’s point of view. In this case, the civilian is a reporter, and the subject he’s reporting on is the rise of superheroes, specifically the heroes who provided the foundation for the Marvel universe. While light on action, Marvels is a surprisingly affectionate and moving story, with lush artwork by Alex Ross.

Batman: The Long Halloween Whether or not this counts as being outside the timeline is up to debate. It takes place in year one, a story arc created to explain away some of the gaps and plot-holes from the Golden Age of comics. Writer Jeph Loeb is chiefly concerned with whatever happened to all of the mobsters Batman faced in the early years, before they were replaced by costumed villains. The story follows Batman as he faces the Falcones, a crime family in Gotham. It also features the rise of Catwoman and the downfall of Harvey Dent (this was also a source for Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy).

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Do you have any other recommendations for the casual fan?

The first time I viewed The Hobbit, I made a number of mistakes. I saw the opening night midnight showing after a ten hour shift at work; I had a beer both before and during the film; I saw it in 2D. I fell asleep at least twice during the film (much of the actual journey was a blur–I’m surprised I was fully awake during the long build up in the Shire). The parts I was awake for were such a strain I can’t say I enjoyed The Hobbit much at all.

The Hobbit though was a movie I had pined for for well over a year. I’ve been following the pre-production drama for months now. When I saw The Dark Knight Rises at midnight, not only did I stay awake, I don’t recall even blinking.

Realizing it was my own fault I didn’t fully enjoy The Hobbit, I decided to see it again, this time in the middle of the day, and I forked over a king’s ransom to view it in 3D at 48 frames per second. What a difference lucidity makes!

Granted, The Hobbit is often a slow and even ponderous film. The opening scenes where Bilbo decides whether or not to leave home could have been shortened tremendously with no one but the most stalwart of nerds crying foul. Still, going into the theater knowing its not going to be a complete thrill-ride sets you up in the right mindset to take in the full scope of the movie.

Martin Freeman stars as Bilbo Baggins

The Hobbit is a magical and whimsical film. It’s complete lack of cynicism makes it stand alone in megaplexes showing nothing but films featuring reluctant, ill-tempered heroes. Where else can you see a warty and goitered goblin king being hit by a wizard’s staff? I’m pretty sure there’s no such scene in Jack Reacher, but I haven’t seen that yet so don’t ruin it for me.

There was a lot that worked for me in The Hobbit. I loved Radagast the Brown, an eco-friendly wizard who rides a sleigh pulled by rabbits. He’s the sort of character I’d dream into existence back in the sandbox with a pile of action figures in front of me. I hung on every word during the scene where Gandalf confronts Giladriel and Elrond with news of a dark force massing power in rural portions of Middle-Earth. Also, the 3D filmmaking immersed me in the fantasy world, to the point where the real world seemed stagy and mediocre afterwards.

Ian McKellen returns as Gandalf

Similarly, some aspects didn’t work for me. The sequence where the heroes are attacked by a trio of hungry trolls simply went on for too long. In the book, it’s a funny incident that only takes up a few pages, whereas in the movie it goes on so long the film should be titled The Trolls: An Interrupted Dinner.

Quibbles aside, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is a unique and enjoyable fantasy film that pushes the boundaries of both technology and your patience. In India, Bollywood churns out tons of films each year that go on 3+ hours. In the US, we’ve become too accustomed to skimpy, unfulfilling movies that we don’t recognize a feast when it’s put in front of us. Like a good meal, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is perfectly supplemented by a very strong cup of coffee (or several if you can).

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I’ve written two books, The Madness of Art: Short Stories and A Rapturous Occasion, both available on Amazon in paperback and as ebooks.

What would be your review of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey?

Instead, Christmas in the Stars is basically a schlocked together album made up of original holiday songs featuring vocals by Anthony Daniels, the man behind (inside) C-3PO. If you’re hoping to hear yule tide carols from Han and Leia, you’ll be disappointed. None of the other cast appear, and even Chewbacca’s roars are recycled sound bites.

Still, Christmas in the Stars is fun in an ironic, campy way. I highly doubt anyone truly loves this album, as even small children will be wondering why there’s no Darth Vader and Luke duet. I definitely would not recommend going way out of your way to procure Christmas in the Stars, but if you’re looking to get drunk on hard egg nog and fall asleep with the original Star Wars trilogy on, this might be the album for you.

Oh, and before you ask, of course it’s non-canonical.

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What’d be your review of the Star Wars Christmas album Christmas in the Stars?

Screenshot from the couch gag.

Comic book fans should be well acquainted by now with secret origins stories. That’s where a chacter’s backstory is revisited, only to introduce an aspect of their life we had no prior knowledge of. Simpsons fans got a taste of this with the recent episode “Gone Abie Gone,” which showcased a sweeter side to Abe than the old coot has ever displayed. As secret origins go, this was worlds better than Seymour Skinner’s ‘Armand Tanzarian’ past.

Biographers of Abraham Simpson’s life would have to learn to overlook some glaring anachronisms of course. Somehow, he dressed in drag during WW2, was a nightwatchman of a grain silo for 30 years, married a hippie chick, and, as this episode reveals, was a busboy at 35 who also played a mean jazz piano.

As it turns out, Grampa found love again after his wife flew the coop when he met Rita La Fleur, an up-and-coming chanteuse. We see their love blossom and come to full bloom fairly quick; Abraham even proposes to her. On the day of their wedding though, young Homer hurts himself several times in several hilarious ways right when Rita receives a call asking her to take their act abroad. As Homer manages to electrocute himself with a power outlet, Abraham sadly says something like “Europe is no place for a six year old. Sure, he can withstand 110 watts, but 220 would kill him.”

Rita decides to follow through on the deal while Abraham stays behind, which leads up to one of the nicest bits of dialogue ever exchanged between Grampa and Homer.

Homer: Are you okay, daddy?

Abraham: Of course I’m okay. I’m with you. I guess this is why life comes before love in the dictionary.

Then, cutting through the treacle, Grampa says “Now let’s make sure neither of us ever remember this again,” as he heads to the airport bar (also tidily explaining why Rita had never been mentioned before). A few other revelations are shared in this episode as well. For example, Bart admits he actually likes Lisa, Homer keeps a locket with Fonzi’s picture in it (now replaced by an image of his father), and Millhouse will go far out of his way to keep Lisa’s sense of wonder intact.

It’s episodes like Gone Abie Gone that keep my sense of wonder alive. The Simpsons franchise, like its characters, never seems to grow any older.

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What was your opinion of The Simpsons “Gone Abie Gone”?

When we last left Cyclops, he’d gone off the deep end a bit. Years ago, the love of his life, Jean Grey, was possessed by the Phoenix Force and wound up destroying her life and an entire planet in the process. Recently, the Phoenix Force returned to Earth and Cyclops proved that you don’t always learn from the past. Next thing you know, he and his current flame Emma Frost are hosts for the Phoenix Force, and, while they don’t destroy a planet, they came pretty close (as chronicled in this summer’s big event Avengers Vs. X-Men). Charles Xavier, the on-again-off-again mentor of Cyclops, was killed in the fray, and the future of Cyclops was uncertain after the Phoenix Force abandoned him.

In Brian Michael Bendis‘ new series, All New X-Men, we catch up with Cyclops, who’s now leading a splinter group that includes two dubious members, Magneto and Emma Frost (both of whom debuted as villains). The group is essentially doing what the X-Men normally do, and that is recruiting new mutants at the point where they first manifest their powers. Only, with recent events in mind, it’s hard to say if Cyclops and his cadre are on the level.

Beast, frequently depicted as the conscience of the group, decides something must be done about his old friend Cyclops, and, with the help of Iceman, another premier member of the X-Men, they concoct an incredibly loopy scheme. It’s like something right out of Disney’s The Kid or this year’s Looper. To make Cyclops return to his former self, they decide to enlist… his former self!

While Beast for some reason doesn’t go back in time and save Charles Xavier, he does go back and bring the original X-Men roster to the present day. Since the X-Men comic began way back in the 60s, we see some pretty significant revisions being made in the story (similar to the relaunching of the James Bond franchise). Whether or not they’ll wear their retro yellow costumes is a question on every fanboy’s lips. The conflict now is whether or not Beast’s trippy ploy will work.

I for one sure hope it does. The X-Men franchise has a tendency to turn into a bleak melodrama full of double-crosses and strange love affairs. When the series first began under Stan Lee’s supervision, it was essentially a byproduct of the Civil Rights movement (although, oddly enough, it featured very few minorities). I would very much like the series to focus on the evils of discrimination and the quest for equal rights again. At the very least, All New X-Men shares one thing in common with the classic comics: it’s campy.

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What is your opinion of All New X-Men 1?

As a care-giver for handicapped adults, I’ve had the privilege of working with a young man who had MS and I got to see first-hand how oppressive the disease can be. After years of walking with crutches, his conditions worsened to the point where he was then confined to a wheelchair, unable to perform many fairly basic tasks.

Simon Pooni has only experienced the onset of MS when the story begins. Sadly, he had been a promising basketball player before his disease came into play, and afterwards many of his friends had shied away from him, and, as if things couldn’t get worse, Simon becomes the target of bullies.

Simon experiences a pretty swift turnaround when a talking monkey in a space-suit appears and offers to fulfill any wish Simon may desire. As it so happens, Simon is a huge fan of Superior, a superhero movie franchise based closely on Superman. Next thing he knows, he is Superior, cape and cowl and all.

The origin story element will probably feel familiar to most fans of superhero books. Indeed, the premise is heavily indebted to both Shazam and Superman. What happens next in the story though I found to be much more refreshing. Simon, testing out his newfound powers, actually devotes himself to saving people! 

One gripe I have with contemporary comics is that the heroes rarely save ordinary citizens. Instead, it seems like superheroes are constantly saving other heroes, and meanwhile cats remain in trees and cars careen into ditches. Simon as Superior immediately does what I wish Superman would do more of: trying his hardest to prevent any unnecessary loss of life, from car accidents to bigger events such as saving a space-station caught in a declining orbit.

As the story unfolds, the Faustian side to Simon’s wish is revealed, but since the graphic novel is so short (you can easily read Superior in one sitting), I’ll curtail any further summarizing, suffice it to say, there’s a climax that’s likely to please fans of mainstream superhero books.

Through it all, the humanity of the protagonist is always there, and that is ultimately Superior’s selling point. Simon remains an endearing character, and the reader will hopefully set the book down knowing more–and caring more–about the lives of people with multiple sclerosis.

The change, in my opinion, is a welcomed one. I haven’t much enjoyed any 007 movie since 1995′s GoldenEye. The Casino Royale reboot wasn’t revelatory, and Quantum of Solace, while better than its predecessor, wasn’t spectacular. Skyfall though completely makes up for those missteps, and restarts the Bond franchise proper.

Right from the opening credits, there’s many additions to the formula. Daniel Craig as Bond is much more athletic than his predecessors for one thing, and has a knack for Parkour. The status quo of the series is no longer set in stone either, as right away the audience learns there’s to be some changes at MI6. The biggest change, an unprecedented one at that, is that with Skyfall, there’s suddenly an art-house director at the helm: Sam Mendes. He’s the last director I would’ve expected to do a James Bond movie (his career includes such artful dramas as American Beauty, Revolutionary Road, and the poignant comedy Away We Go). Then again, artsy directors are oftentimes manage to revivify stale franchises, just as Alfonso Cuaron (Y Tu Mama Tambien) did with Harry Potter.

The plot of Skyfall is a highly entertaining example of simplicity masquerading as complexity. In the opening scenes of the film, we learn that James Bond (Daniel Craig) has been shot and is presumably dead, that MI6 is losing public support, and M (Judi Dench) is on the verge of being sacked. Then, on top of everything else, the highly encrypted computers at MI6 are hacked, with explosive consequences.

Once Silva, the villain, comes into play (Javier Bardem), we come to learn what the plot really is: a game of cat and mouse. Silva, a computer hacker on par with Julian Assange, manages to manipulate the computers at MI6 to such a degree that the long-established intelligence group have to suddenly pull up shop and go on the run. But how do you run from someone who is always one step ahead?

Before Skyfall is over, you’ll be scratching your head a few times. There’s definitely a handful of scenes that make little or no sense, and many of Bond’s choices are highly debatable. And, like any spy movie, there’s numerous scenes where the villain could have easily killed Bond, and likewise many perfect moments when Bond could have put a bullet in Silva, but didn’t due to some inscrutable spy-code of honor. It’s important to remember that Hitchcock thrillers were riddled with plot-holes too, but it’s the cumulative effect that matters… and, like North By Northwest or The Lady Vanishes, Skyfall manages to be both thrilling and beautiful (Mendes also pays a nice homage to the espionage classic The Third Man). It may not be Bond, but that’s not a bad thing at this point.

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